Knowing Funeral Etiquette Makes It Less Difficult

By Donna Vickroy
Staff Writer
Daily Southtown

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Even though the largest generation in American history is now smack dab in the throes of middle age, Mike Gill still meets baby boomers who are about to attend their first funeral.

Gill, co-owner of Brady-Gill funeral homes in Tinley Park and Evergreen Park, has a few etiquette tips for people new to funeral ceremonies.

Should I bring the children?
Attending a wake or funeral is not a comfortable situation for anyone, Gill said. But it's particularly difficult if you're an adult attending such a rite for the first time.

Gill encourages parents to bring children to family members' services because it helps prepare them for an inevitable task when they grow up.

When children don't attend close family members' services, it leaves questions, he said.

"Nobody wants to die," he said. "But not talking about it doesn't make it go away."

How long should I stay at a visitation?
"That depends on the situation," Gill said. "Go in, express your condolences and talk with a few people. Don't monopolize the bereaved's time, especially if there is a long line of people waiting to get in."

Typically, a kneeler will be placed in front of the coffin, for Catholics who attend. However, Gill said, when there is a long line of people waiting to pay their respects, the kneeler can be removed to speed things along.

More people tend to come out for services held on a Sunday, he said. Long lines can be overwhelming for the next of kin. But it's not always prominent people who draw the biggest crowds.

"One of the biggest wakes I've seen was for a housewife from Hometown. She was very involved and very well liked."

Do I have to wear black?
Gill said people come dressed in all manner of clothing. Some get dressed up; some come straight from work in their uniforms.

"Most people don't care what you wear," Gill said. "What matters most is that you show up."

What should I say?
There are no real do's or don'ts when it comes to making small talk, so long as you avoid criticism, he said.

"A little common sense goes a long way," he said. For example, he said, don't say the deceased doesn't look anything like he did in life and, in the case of a suicide, don't quiz the family.

Also, he advised, refrain from arguing. Emotions are already running high after a loved one dies, he said. A funeral is not the place to rehash family feuds or start new ones.

Should I give money or send flowers?
Flowers are fine, Gill said, but some people specify that those planning to attend the wake not spend money on flowers. Donations are always appropriate, especially if the family expresses a need for them.

The funeral home usually has envelopes that allow donors to specify if the money should be spent on the deceased's favorite charity or simply go to the survivors.

"It's OK to put money in a card," Gill said. "The amount is immaterial."

Attendees can also buy Masses at a local church. Sometimes, the donor can choose the day when a Mass will be dedicated to the deceased. In addition, many funeral homes sell Mass cards, which can be sent to different organizations that will say a Mass on behalf of the deceased.

Mass cards can be more convenient and can enable a survivor to have prayers said for someone who wasn't a member of an organized church, but the purchaser cannot pick the day or location of the service.