By Christine Morgan
Daily Mirror

February 23, 2006We will all go through the death of a loved one and it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. The grieving process is both complex and confusing and everyone handles it differently.

And as we get older it is an experience we must face more frequently. However, if you have just had someone close to you die, remember that there are thousands of people who are going through the same thing.

Here, we offer some advice on how to go about dealing with your loss...

Don't be afraid of your feelings
BOTTLING up your emotions isn't helpful, says Bridget Ramsay, a support volunteer at Cruse Bereavement Care.

"There's nothing to be gained from trying to tidy away the pain of grief," she says. "You have to allow yourself to feel it or it won't go away. It's like a deep wound. If you don't treat it, it might heal on the surface but underneath it's still raw and eventually will open again."

Grief, says Bridget, is an individual experience so don't compare yourself to others who have gone through it. There's no set time for getting over a bereavement.

She adds: "People often have a mistaken view of how long it takes a person to come through their grief.

"They tend to think you should be getting over it after a couple of months, but it takes much longer than many of us think."

Talk about it
"TALKING is very important and most bereaved people say that it really does help," explains Bridget.

If you don't find it easy to talk to friends and family, you may prefer to speak to a volunteer who works for an organisation such as Cruse (see "Who can you turn to?" below).

There may be other support services in your area - ask at your library or doctor's surgery for details.

Join a group
IF YOUR social circle has dwindled through bereavements, you could start to feel isolated. You may feel it's too late to make new friends or too soon to start socialising again after the death of a loved one. But there are groups you can join that are designed for bereaved people, says Bridget.

"Many Cruse Bereavement Care branches run what we call friendship groups, which are very valuable for older people who feel isolated," she says.

These types of groups - often run by churches - are ideal, as everyone will know what you're going through so you won't have to put on a brave face if you don't feel up to it.

Spend more time with children
IF you have grandchildren, spending time with them after a loss can help to reinforce your faith in life, says Bridget. If you don't have contact with any children on a regular basis, consider getting involved with your local primary school, perhaps as a reading assistant.

The UK Retired And Senior Volunteer Programme has placed more than 3,000 volunteers aged 50 and over in primary schools to help children learn to read (call 020 7643 1385 or log on to www.csv-rsvp.org.uk for more information). Doing voluntary work can also help to restore your sense of purpose.

"One of the things we lose after a bereavement is a sense of being valued by the person who has died - their death leaves an enormous gap," says Bridget. "'If you can give something to others as you begin to recover from your own grief, it can be very fulfilling."

Plant a memorial
RESEARCH shows that maintaining bonds with someone who has died is healthy, as many bereaved people fear their loved ones will be forgotten.

Being able to visit a graveside often helps you to feel connected to the person you've lost. But with so many friends and families living far away from each other these days, regular visits may not be practical.

"Instead, you could plant a rose bush in your garden or a tree in a local park," says Bridget.

"This will serve as a reminder of the person who died, but it also shows that life goes on." To plant a tree in a favourite spot, contact the parks department at the relevant local borough council.

Alternatively, the National Trust will plant a commemorative tree on your behalf (call 0870 4584000 or log on to
www.nationaltrust.org.uk.

Take it one step at a time
WHEN someone close to you dies, don't feel you've got to rush to make big decisions such as moving house. Bridget says: "Make little changes like starting a new hobby or doing something you would not have done before, such as going on a coach trip."

As time goes on, you may even want to try new things that you couldn't do while the person who has died was alive.

"When the time is right, finding the courage to do new things can really help as it symbolises the beginning of your new life," adds Bridget.